see what i see

i have.

2008-05-17T00:07:00.002+09:00

so much has happened to me in a span of 1 month and each time i attempt to blog about it, i don't know where to start from. honestly, its just too much in too little time. this whole period has been like a rollercoaster ride for me which up until now i haven't quite got off yet. in summary, i have lost a love and gain another, i have since embarked on a new chapter in my life; but i steered away from the conventional way of discarding old memories or holding them in petinance - instead; keeping the remnants of my past memory as a way to look deeper into myself and be a better person to love and be loved. i have had the best day ever with my bestest friends at a lousy park, and i got fined for 200 bucks also at the lousy park. i have tried my best to nurse a best friend's broken heart, and i have spend a day with my best friend on her birthday. i have experienced massive weight gain, and i still am. i have since lost the drive and spirit to go to work; and quite frankly, im in a fit of pique with work :( i have been down and lost, and i am now well and surviving. i have to get moving to the lj that crystal's gonna set up for me, therefore i have to say goodbye to you, blogspot.

definitely, maybe.

2008-04-16T02:52:00.000+09:00

"because thats the only thing i have left of you"

Qingming festival post-mortem.

2008-04-02T01:10:00.004+09:00

two and a half full hours of suffering.
humid. dirty. claustrophobic. nausea-tic.
i really hate rides to malaysia.
batu pahat in particular.
even the air over there is too musty for me to breathe in. no offense to malaysians but
the whole ordeal was just to much for me to handle.
i feel so sad for all these people.
up the mountains, burning away enthusiastically those incense papers, setting off fireworks.
sweeping tombs with cheap brooms and cutting away those beautiful arms of those lovely trees, killing at will.
offering joss stick after joss stick to fanciful urns and muttering prayers that nobody can receive at 'the other end'.
i feel that they are so pathetic because all they are doing is to contribute carbon dioxide to this deteoriating earth of ours, under the sweltering heat which is indirectly caused by them.
the most pathetic thing is that im part of this whole thing, because it was my granddad's anniversary, and my parents strongly believe in this Netherlands shit.
WHY am i subjected to this. and why do people like my relatives and my parents choose to believe that their loved ones would go to hell after they moved on in life?
by burning incense papers and hell notes and the like, doesnt it mean that the deceased are suffering in hell? and if they are, whats the point of sending em all these crap? i seriously dont see the logic of it, nor do i want to try to understand.
i just feel so sorry for all these naive people who will never get saved in their lifetime and experience the wonders of Jesus Christ and the belief that they will go to heaven instead of hell.
all i experienced was just pure misery the past weekend and i hope i'll never go through it again. ever. which is quite impossible.
darn.
and father, today ive come to realise the true man that you are,
and you disgust me.

PISSEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

2008-03-28T12:00:00.003+09:00

I AM SERIOUSLY PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW.
I have been wanting to watch THE PILLOWMAN since last year and the last time round i couldnt get to go because it was during the Alevel period.
Now its BACK and i am so ready to catch it and its SOLD OUT for every bloody show unless i take single seats.
WTFFFF.
SO PISSED.
its the same thing with disney on ice.
So freaking annoying the shit out of me.
i swear the next time THE PILLOWMAN comes back im going to book it SNAP SNAP.
ARGH.
and i am so upset with you. YOU. YES YOU.
i want to DELETE you from my lifeeeee.
i can only be let down THIS MUCH.

confused child

2008-03-28T01:08:00.002+09:00

i finally went to borders again on sunday and bought myself a new book. that made me a happy girl. which also means the book i borrowed from liz has to WAIT. HAHA. sorry lizzzzz. i guess buying that book was the only thing that made me happy on sunday too. sometimes i wonder who i am to you. if i am someone, anyone, at all, i expect you to trust me with your deepest secrets, and most annoying troubles. you surprise me after all this while. i might as well be a stranger shouldnt i. shouldnt. i. on a sidenote, today has been a blast. i finally went for my first practical driving, and it was like, so cool. HAHA. but driving is seriously so tiring, it is NOT a beeze at all because stepping on the damn clutch made me THAT CLOSE to suffering from cramps in my left feet. the catching up with cel afterwards was SO GOOD. i mean like, we are experiencing the same damn problems except she got the balls to face it and i dont. HAH. i reread all my posts and i realized recent posts have alot of rambling in them that sometimes even i dunno wat im talking about. how pathetic. work is soooooo pathetic. i want to go back to church to feel happy againnnnnnnnnnn.
goodbye allllll.

hey love

2008-03-19T02:21:00.002+09:00

i finally passed my basic theory test today, but i wasnt happy at all.
looking back so many things has happened in such a short span of time.
with god's grace i got pretty acceptable results for the A's, and grandma's fully recovered since the last post.
amidst all this, i fell in love.
it might not be love, but i would still say i fell in love.
i dont know what the hell this post is rambling on about but i feel so lost here.
lost in love. lost in passion. and lost in guilt.
if i ever had a chance to turn back time, i would choose not to know you.
with both individuals being so incredibly sweet, how is one supposed to make a sane choice.
being selfish never seem so right.
Somtimes i wish, we didnt have to make a choice.
how nice it'd be if affection didnt include guilt.
how nice it'd be if affection didnt include you.

हर्ट.

2008-02-07T03:40:00.000+09:00

2008 certainly hasnt been a good year for me. First it was my birthday. then grandma was admitted to the hospital because she fainted. what a way to welcome the lunar new year. with the exception of 2 families left in singapore, the rest of my extended family is away on a new year trip to China. that leaves us with a super un-festive new year with visiting trips made to and only to, the hospital. to a very frail grandmother. i really wonder whats the point of wearing new clothes to a sick hospital. With everyone else having fun and basking in the surrounding of high spirits and yummy ba-gua, gambling away till the wee hours of the morning, we're stuck moping around wishing everyone would come back soon for us to visit and receive angbaos and also dying for my grandma to have a speedy recovery. the look of things sorta foreshadow even worse tidings for my Alevel results :(

on a sidenote, WE had a huge fight just now. because the bf told the gf that he doesnt feel like bringing her out visiting this friday. JUST BECAUSE. Hurt, gf remembered something someone once told her - Loving someone is nothing, anyone can love. Needing someone is something. because, its essential. gf then ask bf all solemly, "do you need me in your life". bf's reply? A big fucking "dunno".

stop crying your heart out.

fourth february

2008-02-04T02:25:00.000+09:00

its been a sad birthday eve for me. and i think it will a sad birthday for me too. sometimes in life people whom you dont think will disappoint you would really surprise you and people who you think arent really your friends can be the only ones that are dependable. my best friend bailed on me, sy..sigh.wellllll. at least she was there. and the chics, if you girls consider yourself my real friends, man. i didnt even get a msg when e clock strike twelve earlier on. feel really down today. warm wishes came in from all those unexpected. i wonder when things change, would people's feelings change too?.

failed

2008-01-21T21:51:00.000+09:00

ok the most humiliating thing has happen to me. i failed my basic theory test. like WHO IN THE WORLD fails their basic theory test. i mean ok i somewhat expected it to be coming cuz i didnt study zilch for it ( cuz i was busy workinggggggggggggggggg for goodness sake ) but so many ppl told me basic would be a breeze so i still harboured some teeny hope for it. MAN when i reached the third question i already felt like clicking on the 'END TEST' button. and it was after cel called to tell me she passed. i felt like crap, and am still feeling like crap:( the questions were all so tough, i don't think i even came across them in the handbook. ARGH. its all baby's fault pls. he was telling me how easy it was that even if you just skimmed through the pages the night before you'd still pass. AS IF. but i still love baby la okay HAHA. ohya that reminds me. our anniversary! almost a month has passed. lets see, altho our plan couldnt be set in motion, at least baby brought me to sentosa *meek smile* HEY! we had fun okay. we went underwater world! and we had cable car rides! it was a super exhilarating day. mostly cause both of us werent sure of the location of the places and spent half the time walking around like tourists. HAHA. and because we went there too late, there wasnt time for us to catch songs of the sea or go to the dolphin lagoon. what a bummer:( but underwaterworld with baby was good enough for me :) and we went to get presents the next day. im wearing it on me right now. i love my babyboy! :) if only he'd spend more time with me and talk to me more *hint hint* HEE. life has been tiring for me. mainly because work's taking up all of my time. i barely have time with baby, much less church :( but at least i get to go out with my friends every now and then! like those days when sy n jg came over to play mahjong. n the catching up with sy:) i love that girl. the cool crowd went out to celebrate ting's birthday too. we are such a bunch of lunatics i tell you. when we get together, man there's no stopping us. our conversation always ends up with many people throwing dagger stares at us cuz we're too loud. LIKE I CARE. hahaha. and come to think of it, my own birthday is coming up. already have plans with dar. hopefully i get to meet the chics cuz i really miss em :( and then there's another anniversay, then Vday.. man i gotta spend a bomb again. wait, i already did:( i literally have been shopping till i drop
) =X well the good news is that i got a pay raise. and the bad is that i get tempted to spend more. like just today... oh never mind its too depressing. to sum it all up today is a rather depressing day. one because i got shit results from my hair highlight ( and i had to spend HALF OF MY DAY at the saloon mind you ) two because i failed the bloody test and three cuz i spend alot buying useless stuff just cause i was depressed. which made me even more depressed. and then i get home and i realised i have work tomorrow, which is the bloody reason why i failed my bloody test, which is even more depressing. ohman this is getting retarded, HAHA. to focus on less depressing stuff, i am thinking of gettin yet another tattoo next week! :D this time round its gonna be at the front near the waistline. still planning it cuz baby wasnt too happy about it. only cause i said im gonna get another piercing also. HAHA! alrighty have been going on ranting about my oh-so-exciting life ( NOT ) for the longest time. gonna go off to listen to some worship songs to lift my spirits up! you should do that because it really helps! god is amazing :) ookay then people remember to catch THE SPIDERWICK CHRONICLES!!! i cant wait for it to come out. and CHINESE NEW YEAR!! cant waittttt :):) night folks!

MIA and back

2007-12-28T00:39:00.000+09:00

OMGosh its been like 3 weeks since i last blogged, and so much has happened! i've been extremely busy.
lets see, i met up with the gang, i did overnight mahjong ( YAY ) , ive since started work, ive went out practically everyday either for work or going out, long done wit christmas shopping, celebrated christmas, finally went to church, went for emm's potluck, caught i am legend, and tomorrow im working! god just for the events i mentioned above alone can get me going for like 5 pages long per entry/event, not to mention those i didnt state here. so lets not get started LOL. RAH IM JUST RAMBLING.
but ive been a busy busy girl! i hope the cash starts rolling in soon cuz i need em DESPERATELYYYYYY.
and surprisingly, i miss school! i miss wearing the ugly uniform, getting up early and complaining about getting up early, gossiping with the chicadelics, fooling around and annoying teachers, grumbling about the lousy meals and foul-smelling sweaty students after P.E, basically i miss SRJC man! cant believe it. and despite meeting baby quite often these days i still miss him terribly. every minute is precious! eew i sound so mushy i cant take it either.
ANW its the christmas season ppl!! BE JOLLYYYY and spread the loveeee.

to end this lousy entry lets just say im a happy girl cuz my tattoo is turning grey! WHOOPEE. and jan 1st is arriving! which means anniversary with baby! DOUBLE WHOO. its off to bed now! merry christmas to all! :D

2007-12-06T19:07:00.000+09:00

Almost a year, Almost.
A lie was all it took to make things easier to let go.
i hope whats left is only drive to exterminate me from his mind for him to have a better life.
that will be enough for me.

that said, life has been pretty hectic these past days. what with shopping nonstop ( and overexceeding budgets horribly ) and finally meeting up with the chicas.YAY.( major camwhoring sessions took place )
currently the only thing thats stopping me from going out is romanticprincess! im totally hooked on to that show. like seriously. SERIOUSLY. i am deprived of sleep cuz of it. WU ZUNNNNNNNNNNNN is hot man.
anyhow, work was supposed to start since the past two days but apparently their "schedule is full at the moment" like wtheck! i need the money desperately man. totalli pissed. oh well. guess i gotta wait for anotha long wk before i can get the cash rolling in. For now, i needa SCRIMP and save. which is totally impossible seeing how all the meet-ups and hang-outs ( which are totally awesomeeee ) require some kinda money one way or another. sigh. where's a bf when you need one. HAHA.

despite how random my post is, ENCHANTED's great! catch it people! :D

piercings and tattoos kill. NOT.

2007-11-27T00:59:00.000+09:00

right ive gotten my act together since the last post HAHA. so anw, the only reason i was so 'preoccupied' these days was cause i was terriby sick. it was absolutely horrible. when everybody's havin fun i was feeling as if i was about to die. was supposed to mit SY on the 24th to get my hair dyed and then mahjong overnight when this loathsome headache came upon me, coupled with like waves of nausea. i tot i was gonna be ok after some panadol but then the next morning when i woke up i immediately felt sick. it lasted for the whole day and i vomitted like 3 times. by the third time there wasnt anything else to puke except for acid. gross. i was so sick i literally dragged myself to the 24hr clinic ( since baby couldnt bring me cuz of work :( ). initially i wanted to tel my brother, but i suspect myself to be so sick from the piercings and the tattoo, so i decided to pull myself away from the toilet bowl ( thats what happens when all u can expect is another round of puking ) n see a doctor MYSELF ( which explains the freaking 60bucks! ) the nurse even told me 'miss ar, jus consultation alone at this hr is 43dollars. can?' me: *groggily* "YAAAAAAAAAA". it was only when i got e receipt that i freaked out. oh well who asked me to visit the doc at 11plus in the night. thank god yoyo came to take care of me for the night because in the morn i really tot i was dying, with the fainting and the cramps in my hands and all. YO I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUU *with tears in my eyes HAHA* we went bac to the doc and i doubled checked to make sure it wasnt due to the piercings n the tattoo. turns out i was suffering from like some gastric thing. HORRIBLE. but at least we got to eat some yummy pastry and porridge. and we talked SO MUCH the whole night. :):):) luckily my bro bought this series of idol drama which i got hooked on during this 'healing period'. SO NICE! its called - it started with a kiss. :D i sort of recovered today n could finally get out of bed to go for my job interview with bryant. so yay cash will be coming in soon cuz im starting work right aft my trip to bintan! gotta work doubly hard to recoup all my losses so far HAHA. and the shopping! gosh im so busy, lets see:

27th: signing up for driving and dyeing my hair wit cel
28th: out shopping wit dar
29th: out shopping wit SY and PZ ( LIKE FINALLY YAY )
30th: calypso 2's outing :D:D:D
1st : MR ROZELLS WEDDING
2nd - 4th: BINTAN
5th onwards: working and chilling out after work! oh ya i can finally go back to church! :D
12th: drinking with my all time fav clique! THE.... ohman i just realised we don have a name. ok..THE COOL. WHATEVER LA!

right. so tentatively, i hope i can meet up with the chicadelics ( OLI CRYS GEN ARE U GIRLS STILL ALIVE?! :( ) and baby anytime in between! *crosses finger*
i also HOPE to have some class gathering thing *HINTS* i heard our leftover class fund is with emm "to be used for a class thing" emm if ure reading this. CMON MAN. jerome if ure reading this, who was the one who talked abt skipping the prom for OUR OWN THING?! TSK.
and oh ya! i cant wait for christmas to come!!!!! OMGOSH this holiday sounds quite exciting as yet.
of course it has to be packed with lotsa movies cuz im a movie buff!! i want to catch the tattoist and enchantedddddddddd.

that said, i miss baby! :(:( two girls are vying for him now. freak. they spend more time with him more than he does with me, just cause their his colleagues. ARGH im so freaking jealous. knowing that he has AN ABSOULTELY WONDERFUL gf they stil gt the guts AND THE FACE to tell him they have a crush on him. SHAMELESS. bleah. unbelievable. ok NOW i gotta go. GOODBYE ALL.

out!

2007-11-27T00:26:00.000+09:00

so yup the major surprise is out. actually its been out for a couple of days. just so preoccupied with my stuff that i couldnt find time to blog about it. the surprise isnt really any surprising anyway. lol i was just so psyched about it before. so yes i re-pierced my tongue, experienced a long-awaited eyebrow piercing ( on the right but im not gay ppl im jus bi ) and i got my very nice tattoo on the left of my back. i wanted to get two tattoos actually ( the other one on my left chest, right above the .. yeah ), but it was too expensive HAHA. in total it costs me like $300odd to get everything done. not to mention the $60 i spent on the clinic, and the $200 i gotta pay for my trip to bintan ( i realised i spelt it wrong like the whole time! NOT bintaM. its like, bintaN ) and the $$$ for the shopping im gonna have, as well as e $$$ for my driving lessons. gosh im like squandering my money away. i sort of regret getting the eyebrow piercing, cuz when it was done i felt that i didnt really achieved the look i was looking for, and then T told me it wasnt lady-like, baby said i look like a man, n my bro said i just look like a pure ah lian. ahhh the ah lian title has been slapped upon me since god knows when. oh well. at least im loving my tattoo. i told my parents abt it and they totally blew their top, i tot they were gna kill me, bt thank god everything's fine now. they are cool with it tho they keep insisting the eyebrow piercing is completely "ruining the fine and delicate features that i 'once' had". hmm..that's up for debate. HAHA. the tattoo artist told me an eyebrow piercing is never permanent on anyone; some ppl start to have their body rejecting it aft a couple of months, n some, aft a few yrs. that pissed me off cuz i had e piercing done before the tattoo. if i'd known i probably wouldnt do it. but i guess if i really dont get used to the idea i could probably take it out in a month's time when it heals. SO ANYWAY THE A's ARE OVERRRRRRRRRRRRRR. surreal. but i totali screw up pp5 lit. first i attempted this ques on natural imagery and symbolism n i ONLY FOCUSED on IMAGERY n SYMBOLISM and left out NATURAL ( i dunno WHYYYY ) which means i didnt talk abt social landscapes, trees or anything remotely relevant. SO SCREWED. AND AND AND AND AND, i attempted ques 2a and i wrote 2b on my ques papers. every single one, even the cover page! MAN. SO freaking screwed.

ok so ive completely lost the drive to blog. goodnight all.

driving at last

2007-11-21T22:37:00.000+09:00

ookay. so i went to the comfortdelgro driving centre today. like finally. (i've been wanting to do this ever since my bd on the 4th of feb) BUT OF COURSE it wasnt quite poss with the Alevels. TSK. Anw so i found the driving centre with help from emmanuel thanks!
i was all set out to register for my driving course when i realised ohno i dunno whether i wanted to sign up for the manual or auto version. like until now. i mean yea all the cars are moving towards auto-gear mode but with a manual license im eligible to drive like, practically all the vehicles. besides my dad drives a van for his goods. so like. manual. BUT on the other hand, auto's like cheaper. moreover, i prob wouldnt drive anyting other than a car. so like. argh.
i called up all the driving people ( bro said manual, baby said auto [ but he himself has a manual license TSK ] and OH cel said she wants to go nxt wk so we're gg together YAY ) this means i do not need to worry cause i can just take wateva course she's taking. HEE. talk abt being indecisive.
ok whoever read the gibberish above gosh u really have nth better to do. HAHA
anyhow, im going to bintam with cel and gang in dec! say yay! i asked baby along bt he didnt want to, cuz according to him "bintam isnt fun at all" LIKE HELLO. i went before n i tot it was really fun. besides, im gg! so how can he EVEN think it might NOT be fun. what nonsense. with my company even a day at the garbage dump would be like, an exhilarating experience. oh well. i dunno y but i couldnt be bothered to ask him twice. it'll b weird anw, with my frens and all. so yeah!
in case you're reading this i still love you baby! we're gonna have our own thing on 1st-3rd jan 2008 anyway! ( ITS OUR 1 YR WOO :D:D:D:D ) to anyone who doesnt know this yet, i love my babyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. :))) <3<3<3<3 x 6779879890890.
OMGOSH i have a MAJOR surprise in store for ppl all ard me. im not prepared to tell anyone yet, not even my bf. in fact i think if he knows abt it he'l probably forbid me to do it. come to think of it, judging from e reactions i got when i pierced my tongue 59900 years ago, probably everyone would be like "NOOO". bt ive alr decided. and im soooo excited! its gonna be 858585 times more over the top than a tongue piercing. only J knows and he's all out for it. YAY 1 supporter! the surprise would be revealed soonnnnnnnnnnnn. for now,

im off to stuff my face with FOC notes. MUGGING TIME.
later!

darling of mine.

2007-11-18T00:23:00.000+09:00

no. no i did. i did own and experience the love i mentioned previously. i just realised tonight after my talk with dar. i just realised, or rather, i recalled, i let it slip by me. but now, now, i will make each day with baby count. i felt the most peaceful in days today. cause i met my best friend. i love you dar. :)

titanic

2007-11-15T23:20:00.000+09:00

wow. its been some time since i last blogged. i finally finished my last sec A level paper today and so far, i have no clue what to expect of except i probably wont see any A(s). well see, i sort of screw up my papers in one way or another due to my prolonged cough. its really a pain in the ass. anyhow, i finished watching the second half of titanic shown on channel 5 earlier tonight, and it brought back so much emotions. the kind of love rose and jack had was so overwhelming, just watching them makes me feel so ashamed that that intense fiery once in a lifetime love had probably never been experienced by me. the passion yes, the love close, but never THAT kind of love. sigh. someday, i will. Leonardo dicaprio brings forth his presentation as dawson in such an earnest way, one would really think that he was really in love love with kate winslet. and its a bonus he's so devilishly sexy pretty cute. *awwww*. like how i always read up on titanic after watching the movie, ( in an attempt to get myself back to reality. and i have watched titanic more than ten times i swear ), i went to wikipedia the director, the cast, the plot, the everything. its really quite fascinating, and i absolutely adore james horner. ahh. no doubt titanic is one of my all time favourite. you cant deem it cliche, because its simply lovely. that said, i CANT wait for the 23rd to come. heck im already in that slacking mood. im not looking forward to taking the results though. i try not to think about it, but its really hard not to imagine the scenario of getting a bloody result slip with shit grades. judging from how my papers went, this seem very likely to happen. and the universities seem very far out of reach. i have no idea what to do, or where to go from here if i do flunk my As. oh lord i so regret going into jc. ME. JC. NOOO. its times like this that i wish i wasnt living in singapore, and some other country where exams and certificates isnt everything; isnt something that makes you or break you, isnt an indicator of your intellectual level and your capability for high rank jobs. somewhere like, anywhere else. in case any of the kind souls out there reading this post do not know, while children in places like china and newzealand has earthquakes and related natural disasters on their list of the MOST AFRAID OF, singapore children rank no.1 to be 'BAD RESULTS' talk about an understatement!

where do you hurt?

2007-09-06T00:45:00.000+09:00

pain's there for a reason

i thought i knew

2007-08-23T22:59:00.000+09:00

i never knew people could be so heartless when they want to
especially when you don associate them in that category
but i guess there's a first for everything.

2007-08-15T00:30:00.000+09:00

almost dead.

happy birthday.

2007-08-09T23:40:00.000+09:00

Finally :)

And happy 21st again, my love.

its days of fun, and back to hit the books tmr,what a blast. not.

of course, happy birthday, singapore. getting older now, 42!

im too lazy to blog about baby's birthday and preparations for it, it was just pure bliss to be with my loverboy. cant never get enough of him!!! goodnight all!

two words: fucked up

2007-08-02T00:10:00.001+09:00

it was hard receiving an sms about on going killings of the korean christian medical volunteers that was held hostage by the Talibans.
it was five minutes before the actual threat would be carried out that i received it,
and i really felt like crying.
i prayed long and hard deep within myself to god and i wonder, just why would he allow such things to happen.
do we really have to go through such turmoils to be a better person?
we're so blinded by crap most of the time that we dont even know we're going back to when before CIVILISATION started based on the way we're acting.
the word civilisation alone is totally not applicable in this context.
there you have completely irrational people carrying out such inhumane acts (and maybe i will get charged in court for this)
while right here in Singapore students are mugging their asses off for the shit A's.
i feel so insignificant; that such terror is taking place in a world we call civilised, yet i cannot do anything but study as if there's no tomorrow so i can live a better and more luxurious life before i die as a fuggly old crinkly ahma, at an impossible fuggly old age in future.
why cant people understand that violence would only, DEFINITELY, resort to more violence being undertaken, and trigger within oneself bitter feelings that would last a lifetime; enough to induce later generations of crazy people into another long-gruelling-totally-uncalled-for-war?
i REALLY dont see the logic behind this.
neither of the hyped up exams in singapore.
nor of the cold war im having with a friend i miss alot.
the world is so fucked up.

disturbia

2007-08-01T23:46:00.000+09:00

so it went something like this:

"You're the only person who i've seen spends more time on the roof than in the house itself.
you read books, not comics or seventeen, but substantiated books.
you hold onto your door knob before you leave, and just before you leave your room each time,you step back inside and look into the mirror.
the look in your eyes, it is not like a "im so hot" kind of look, but one that goes "who am i, really?"
you make me fall head over heels in love with you."

"that is either the creepiest thing i've ever heard, or the sweetest yet."

and you have the usual sexy kiss.

damn shia lebeouf is good.

kathy

2007-07-15T23:57:00.000+09:00

almost unbearable.
completely imcomprehensible.

family woes; what's new.

2007-07-14T01:08:00.000+09:00

sometimes i wonder
why i have to go through all this shit
when all i get at the end of the day
would still be shit
as much as i abhor admittting this,
many a times i do hate you, a whole lot.
if not for the foreshadowing that you'd make a scene to make my life any more worse
i would've ran away, i swear.
its pointless to try to knock some sense into you, you, and you.
its exhausting, really.

over and over again.

2007-06-23T20:52:00.000+09:00

its funny how a late night supper ( yes and accidentally meeting people we don't want to )
and a whole night of talking ( like nonstop )
with a close friend ( a lifelong one (: )
can cheer me up so much ( so much so that im no longer AS depressed *everybody shout YAY* )
thank you T! you dunno how much i love you.
and its another round of talking ( the whole night! )
and unfortunately some mugging ( gotta get to it sometime dont i. sigh. :( )
in a few hours' time. ( i can't wait sweets. (: )

and to you, i do not know what to say anymore.
excess becomes complaints, and .... no like seriously, i dunno anymore.
i would just like to know what you're thinking, how you're feeling.

it'll never be.

with time.

2007-06-23T20:41:00.000+09:00

you made my heart stop at 7.58am today.
you broke my heart at 1.35pm today.

but i still love you. at 7.49pm, 7.50pm, now. tomorrow. and forever.
its funny how love works, even without a heart.

reflections.

2007-06-22T23:05:00.000+09:00

Some wise words worth thinking about ( extracted from fistful ) :

There are in our lives moments which our memories cannot recapture in words; only a recollection of fleeting fragile feelings to which we dare not cling, in case, our eagerness to grasp at permanence and possesion, we lose the very thing which keeps alive our hopes and dreams. So we stand absorbed in the contemplation of these luminous hopes, holding our breath, because we know that fulfilment and forever do not belong to this transient world ---

This singular feeling like a venomous viral infection had been seeping into his being so insidiously that he had not noticed any change or any coarsening in his own mental composition---

And that's the thing about memories, fragments of social insignificance unless they were set against a background of war, revolution and other things. Peace and stability make for dull history---

Sometimes when one has been made to feel small, one tends to see things differently---

how very true. goodnight.

down.

2007-06-22T22:22:00.000+09:00

and so i had a breakdown yesterday.
was studying ( or attempted to ) at my fav mugging location ( SKCC ) and i sudd felt like i could no longer take any of this anymore. felt this way so many times in the past, but the same sentiments on that particular day was fuelled by angry, even some resemblence of hatred towards what im facing right now.
bf's usual lack of understanding that i need him filled me with even more frustrated emotions, and yes i cried, once again, in front of strangers.
i just felt so angry, so so angry, at what, i dont know. i just wanted to lash it out on someone, something, and there wasnt any object in front of me except a pile of history notes, it was excrutiating frustrations, so much so that i just wanted to die.
i hate to admit this inability of mine to handle stress.
i hate the inadequacy of me taking exams.
i hate to be able to predict that i am gonna fail my exams, despite my efforts at studying.
i hate the constant failing, emphasizing to me time and again that i am not as good as i once thought i was.
i hate my giving to others the impression that im finding a lot of excuses for my inadequacy, when i know that i am not.
i truly can't study at home, i get distracted easily,
i truly tried time and again to study this holiday, but i just cant seem to concentrate,
i truly am terrified of not getting through my A's, so much so that i keep stressing out to the extent where im always sick and depressed ( like now )
i truly am ill-disciplined, and i don't know what to do about it.
godammit. im not giving excuses. because i did try, and i failed.
godammit, i do not want to fail.

bf did cheered me up a lil after some fun gaming, but just, a little.
why so? because i had the most horrible panic attack in this 18 years just a couple of hours back.
woke up at 4am with a rapid-beating heart, reason due to what i really have no idea; it was pumping so furiously i thought it was gonna surface up my throat and onto the freaking bed all bloody and gory i swear.
that aside, i was having the most urgent bladder problem - rushing to the toilet, i couldnt even release whatever liquid that was demanding to be free.
It was so horrible, so horrible
there i was, sitting on the toilet bowl with that desperate feeling to pee to no avail for almost an hour; the whole time panting away because of that crazy heart of mine.
i wanted to cry so much, but i couldnt because i would wake my parents up,
i thought, i was going to die, just like that, butt-naked on the toilet bowl of my flat.

text-ed bf, in my heart knowing that i wouldnt get a response.
if it was ju, he would immediately rush by my side even if he was naked. i dont know why, its always at times like that that i miss him so much, because truly, no one i think, can be compared to him.

no one else likely to reply me in mind, i decided to bank my chances on yoyo.
and yes, just as i hoped, she replied.
it was such a relief, that someone, anyone, was there.
together we prayed, and thank god, i fell asleep.

i had horrible nightmares ( which i shall spare anyone of the explicit details - just imagine a lot of blood and screaming )
and waking up, i just lost all motivation to study, i couldnt even bear to look at the books.
talked to bf, and again, he was just his usual quiet self. sigh. ya i know you care. i think. i guess. i dunno.
doc suspects me of thyroid. ( how great )
and was in a rather melancholic mood the whole day.
i cant bear the thought of going back to school, nor the strong feeling that my depression is surfacing yet again.

we share her present together every year, whatever happened this time round?
what is wrong why cant you just tell it to my face.
these days, i feel that actually maybe i do not have alot of people i can count on to.
even with best friend, somehow i get the feeling maybe i was just of some use to her this time round.
is that so much my life is worth?
when im feeling down, how many people close to me will actually pick up my call fast enough to ensure me that i am not alone?
with a checklist, i guess there's not that many.

i feel now
so tired, so lonely, so empty.
is this all there is to life?

changes.

2007-05-30T22:49:00.000+09:00

5 days have passed since the last week of school and i havent been making good use of the time to study. i told myself i wouldnt waste a single day cuz results have to be shown in the mid yrs. procrastination is going to freaking kill me. i think the main reason is cuz im a bf-addict. :D

alot of reminiscing has been done this past week (one of my fav hobbies you see) and i realised how much things have changed for me. besides the nauseating fact that ive grown so much fatter, it was around this time last year that i was at england, free of this exam nonsense and basking in the glorious sun of the wonderful country. i was having long, exquisite chats with celine, experiencing a whole different culture, and just enjoying myself thoroughly. (: england trip was love. especially with gooddd company. there's a tinge of regret that i wasnt as close with crissypoo and genebib then, but i love them all the same.

im no longer with that loser, but someone that i find happiness in loving. my best friend is still my best friend, thankfully. some none friends are becoming good friends(: dar is still that air-headed girl i love. im fantazising about kate moenning. ive contracted some incurable cough and missing out bigtime on some good old touch rugby. embracing god once again into my life. yeah, i would say some pretty big changes have taken place. not really complaining; except for maybe the pain in the ass fact that studies are no longer as fun and .... "breezy". oh and of cuz that incurable cough which if anyone has a cure for, please feel free to contact me. as for those extra pounds, you're more than welcome to claim it yours, anyone. thank you.

that said, im so excited for the singapore arts festival!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (:(:(:

2007-05-19T01:49:00.000+09:00

i think i might be gay,

SPIDEY'S TIPS

2007-05-02T01:01:00.000+09:00

one thing i learnt from watching spider man 3 today,

there's always the option to make a choice

only the right choice is deemed by whoever's making it.

have you made the right choice today?

hey best friend.

2007-04-29T00:12:00.000+09:00

life seems to be getting on good for you,
despite the definite absence of me.
i thought i would get some answers from you
but i guess not.
i dunno how to feel., sweetie,
except;
i know.
that i miss you.
alot.

if only

2007-04-26T02:15:00.000+09:00

If only i could be erased from this world
erased, to eradicate the sadness, numbness and crying.
if only i could experience a complete devoid of emotions.
if only i could sink in to nothingness.
if only depression is not an understatement.

why wasnt there a hint of hesitancy in you.
why did you hang up.
why did you say bye.
why

2007-04-24T19:52:00.000+09:00

sometimes in life
things that needs to be said have to be said on a specific time and day
once the chance has passed
things just wouldnt be the same anymore
when that time actually comes
its better to leave the unsaid unsaid.

21st april

2007-04-22T22:16:00.001+09:00

parted with the ruggirls
met up with love
got angry
got happy
got sad again
very very sad
got happy again
very very happy
got tired
very very tired
got you.
very very blessed.
(:

hmm, i've told you all that i felt baby
even though you're your usual quiet demeanor
i can sense that you've taken in what i said and
i take it that you'll process and think through what ive said,yea?
i saw the conversation that took place between you and her
in your phone where else
and i cant help feeling crappy over the obvious fact that you inititated the conversation
i kept tellin myself that yeah he's jus atoning for his mistake of dumping her
but arent you
making a horrible mistaking of giving her hope again?
or are you just giving urself some hope.
to return to the past?

i presume.

GOODBYE TOUCH RUG

2007-04-22T21:42:00.000+09:00

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others

a poem that strucks a chord in my heart.

a small part of it inaugurated in Coach carter which was shown during rugby'07's camp and
even though watching it for the third time
it still manages to trigger something within me.

the camp marks an end to my rugby life --
though it wasnt that fun at all,
i still love touch rugby with all the limited sport cells, hormones and whatever i have in my little sexy body, AHA
i remember all the gruelling training sessions
those times when im cursing myself for choosing touch rugby as a cca when i start out as someone who has a PHOBIA FOR BALLS
through it all
touch rug definitely brought me much pain (like literally -.-), experience, exposure, knowledge, fun (OH LOADS OF IT), love, and deep, warm affection for my team members (OK MOST LMAO) and the sport itself.
the injuries and scars and big muscles i have on me
though very very UGLY and very very UNBEARABLE,
can never erase my fondness for touch rugby.

TOUCH RUGBY IS A GAME THAT INVOLES A BALL
A BALL THAT I LOVE
GOOD BALLS, touch.

:D

2007-04-19T00:18:00.000+09:00

im sorry for being so blunt yolanda
but i really dont want things to continue this way.
i type with a heavy heart
an angst up heart
a heart losing faith.

the end.

2007-04-19T00:09:00.000+09:00

jingle jingle
josephne kept on fumbling with the keys in those deep pockets of her ruby red skirt,
jingle jingle
josephine ran and ran around in circles
jingle jingle
josephine held onto her mother's hands through an intricate maze
jingle jingle
josephine was lost
silence
josephine couldnt find her keys.
"where's the keys mama?"
silence.
josephine lost her mum.

trust in faith

2007-04-18T00:00:00.000+09:00

im believing in you, okay?
(:

lost. anyone?

2007-04-15T23:27:00.000+09:00

i really dunno what to feel now.
im just a big mess, like a speck of nothing inside, perhaps, a boxing bag;
the owner venting whatever frustrations he has on me;
me getting hurled around til i lost conscious, but at the same time
very aware of my surroundings.
so illogical? guess so.

about him:
i saw you today
my heart started pounding like mad
but why
i cannot come up with an answer
i acted like i didnt see you
but you had to call me
and i had to acknowledge your presence.
i know behind that cheery smile
you still feel how you feel about me all this time;
and i cant do anything about it.
im sorry for everything.
i hope you're doing ok,
i still love you.

about her:
we'll never be the same again, right.
there's just this thing between us.
i dont understand why
and it hurts me so
i long so much to tell you
but i know i can never recover what's lost.
i hurt everyday knowing you will never share the same adoring feelings i hold abt love
to you
he's a jerk
but to me he's everything.
why must you let her ruin our friendship
i bleed inside really
i really love you so much
always my soulmate, my confidante, my best friend
thats what you were.
so many things and people revolve around you now
do i still hold that special position in your heart sweetie?
am i still the person you'd look for when things get bleak and gloomy?
because to me, you will always be that person.
it was just a simple question of asking how she's doing.
all these curiousities are driving me up the wall, you know?
so scared i am abt him now, you know?
i love you, you know?
i lost you, you know?
.

about you:
i dunno what to make out of you.
of whats happening to you
of your situation this very minute.
i thought of every single possibility
but no matter what
involuntarily,
those little things in my mind comes running back to the worst scenario possible of being a fact.
the thought is so scary ,its inhumane;
you wouldnt do this to me, would you love?
im trying to trust you baby
i miss you.
whats going on?.

about whats coming:
i really did try
my very best already
i feel so drained
will i fail you this time?
i really dont know.

i need help. i really do. dear lord, would you work your miracle on me, like how you manage to for so many a time?
in the name of jesus i pray, amen.

2007-04-15T10:23:00.001+09:00

I MISS YOU BABY!!!!!

you ugly fuggly piece of shit.

2007-04-13T10:49:00.000+09:00

you imbecile shit of a nothing.
a total waste of space on earth.
i have moved on
from feeling sorry for you
to being disgusted
and yes
yes a certain element of hatred
i hate you, you hear me?
i hate you.
i would rather die a thousand deaths
than having people;
many people,
believing the twisted illogical lie that you made about me,
about us.
loser,
i hate you.

breaking down

2007-04-11T20:54:00.000+09:00

when you spend a freaking day alone
in a small corner of galilee cafe
in a freezing library
with a small cup of cafe latte
that doesnt taste like latte
sitting on a sunken chair
with an economics book in front of you
attempting desperately
to cram all the tiny tiny details
of economics terms and everything related to it
into your tiny head;
and moments later
you try to recall what you've studied
and you realise
nothing comes to mind

thats when you know
you're a failure.

feigned ignorance

2007-04-11T10:09:00.000+09:00

i almost forgot, that,
acting like nothing has ever happened
is what you do best.

A VERY LONG POST.

2007-04-10T00:13:00.000+09:00

hello school-cum-A'levels.

before i can die in peace,
i have some issues to address to.
first, i have to thank my mother and my father for bringing me to this world.
everything was going on quite well
before i met you.
i have to thank Mrs Dave
for making me fall in love with you initially.
i have to pay attributes to Junior too;
his abrupt kiss to me in front of the canteen and his confession of a long-harboured crush on me perpertually made me, then, afraid of you, though not as much as now.
not forgetting eileen han swee qing, my best friend since when i was still a wanna-be ginna sai.
of course, Sebastian.
we were fated to meet boy, we're even neighbours before we know it way after that (:
i want to thank the supposed ghosts in BHPS who made me so scared, i dare not venture out of class, and ended up in a very intense conversation wit Mrs Dave; opening me up to the world.
then it was YCK, there's just so much to say, so much gratitude, and loving memories.
thank you canteen auntie, i miss your curry mee.
{ kathy,cammie,ting,tong,dan } bron,ks,hy,ws,sufi,zul (:(:(: mr singh(oh love), miss lee,wz,oh so much more.
Mr Yu, my father-like figure, you taught me so much. Angela Loh thank you.
Dar, i'll use my life to hold onto you.
ju. thanks. (:
korkor, dont miss me.
random people who were kind to me, you'll definitely be blessed because you helped a SEE.
the chicas (or whatever you deem fit) you guys will never know how much you mean to me and how our nonsense get me through this monster im dedicating this testimonial to) iheartyou guys. chicadelics is <3.
ok the non-existent biatches. -.-
of course my beloved rugby girls. we're sexy we're hot and we're everything you're not.
ok i jus realised if i go on saying anything more
i will never end
so to those who are not mentioned, thank you.

my love, you made everything so much easier, so much tolerable, there's never a day you dont make my life so much better, brighter, lovelier. i love you. really. myjelepenosexysixpackjayhooalikewannabebracescutelovelovelove.

to my future husband, whoever you might be you must know i love you a great deal. im sorry you married a dead wife; blame it on the A'levels.

last but not least, my life i commit to you;
i love, with all of me -- my god.
thank you.

okay. now that all is attended to,
i hereby declare myself dead, (even if not now,its anytime soon) because of you.
amen.

sorry. i mean it.

2007-04-10T00:04:00.000+09:00

we're not taking you for granted,
at least not the four of us.
we love you and know of your good intentions for us
i hold you in great awe;
you serve as my inspiration at times when im feeling lost }
when i feel that i no longer have any drive for this tedious journey
i remind myself that you're the best example of sheer hard work making it through obstacles.
behind that strong, fierce, unattainable exterior,
you're just a softie at heart.
i learn, when you teach,
so teach,
and we'll prove you our capabilities
which you have foreseen in us --
or some of us, to say the least.
sorry mdm ainon.
i really am.

hostility doesnt serve justice.

2007-04-09T23:46:00.000+09:00

i always thought i was someone close to your heart
at times your best choice for a personal confidante
and i take pride in it.
no less feeling happy and contented always,
probably because im used to being in this position
to one too many.
its only sometime back
presumably a couple of months ago,
that i realised
im not exactly seen in that light by some --
taken for granted's the statement to describe.
and i was brought down, reduced to something quite minute.
then i reflected, and i came to terms with the fact that the world isnt so perfect at times
but i rejoice still in being best friends (or so i claim) with you.

i know sweetie,
that many a times
you think im not, in my disposition;
able to understand your problems in the way you desire for me to--
you belittle me
for the way i present myself
to the rest of the world
but do you know,my dear,that sometimes, appearances can be deceiving?
i dont lament in the instance of you not confiding in me, intentionally or not,
but rather.
i feel that
we're just friends
because we're friends.

musically inclined in sense of your genre;
guess the question would be--
you feel me?.

i love you dear. but why do i hurt in this love because of issues insignificant to you.
and how do i get this through to you regarding our friendship without not keeping up with the pretense of how i project myself.
i distance myself away from you now,for fear of hurting.
may i ask, my dearest friend, how?

render me bitter.

2007-04-09T23:16:00.000+09:00

in light of the emotional state im in now;or rather, the lack of it,i shall be posting more than one entry.

starting with.
im actually feeling a twinge of jealousy, to the extent of some bitter feelings involved.
though i dunno why.
i have no emotional attachments to you both ---
maybe a little to you at times; not entirely close-knit terms, but there was mutual liking,i presume.
STILL, it doesnt give me grounds to feel what i feel.
in fact, its madness to be; whats wrong with me?
i sort of suspected it quite some time ago
but assumptions prevented me from probing
now that the truth is out,
i still dunno what to gather of this
except
why?.

what i'd like to say is..

2007-04-09T02:34:00.000+09:00

before i regret anything
i just would like to say
i love my boyfriend very much
before i collapse of stress from school
i just would like to say
i love my boyfriend very much
before i go back to having nightmares
i just would like to say
i love my boyfriend very much
before i start a brand new day
i just would like to say
i love you very much,my boyfriend.

am i really.

2007-04-09T01:58:00.000+09:00

Am i really? Am i really thinking too much? why dont you say its jus insufficiency on your part?
i ask myself.
do i ask too much fer some assurance
some real assurance and not just some i love you(s)
it just doesnt cut it,does it.
im a big girl now you say,i cant always count on you to protect me.
who then can i count on if not you
am i just so weak in your eyes
i worry you,but do you know half of the time im worried abt you instead of the other way round.
but i cant say ya,cuz whenever i do
you feel you dont gimme what you rightfully should
you feel you dont deliver
yes you come short in alot of ways;
but you make it up through all your overpowering love shone so brightly on me
thats whats keeping me going
a dream so vivid,so violently naseutic; i cant even put into words how i feel
making out behind those white see through lacy curtains
with the slightest tinge of yellow floral prints
your hands all over her
passion oozing out from every tiny pore on you
clinging onto each oher so tightly
as if you were each other's last attempt at life.
suddenly,involuntarily,
i saw my own hand reach out
trembling
forceful,but trembling.
i reach out
and grasps whats before me
hair
her frizzy,unkempt,deprive-of-your-touch-hair
everything froze.
you flared
flipped
there it came
so deliberately
a tight hot slap caressed my cheek
the same way your same hand used to caress me
and away i fell
fell and dropped down this dark cold slimy black rotting malicious hole
till i awoke
fresh tears on my drenched pillow.
a tingling sensation still
on my cheek;

nightmare
it will happen,wont it?

lost was i a mere 24hours ago
when the piggyback incident happened all over again
rendered me speechless

time is my enemy
so little time
so precious
yet always
nothing substantial can be achieved;
a vicious cycle
am i doing your love justice?
i am.
am i?
am i really?

and im sane again

2007-03-28T00:52:00.000+09:00

my vision slowly blurred by burning tears.
blinked.
profusely.
no,not willing to make any leeway
for those
glistening, almost blinding droplets
of mockery
threatening to expose my vulnerability to the world
i ran
ran.
i collapsed
into you.
your welcoming arms embraced my almost naked senses
i see
i see once again
wit eagled eye vision
clarity,
once more.

2007-03-27T21:00:00.000+09:00

How do I breathe
Without you here by my side
How will I see
When your love brought me to the light
Where do I go
When your heart's where I lay my head
When you're not with me
How do I breathe

double take

2007-03-24T01:02:00.000+09:00

i thought i could trust you. i guess i was wrong.